How I remembered and released my pain. **trigger warning csa**

Posted by on Jan 3, 2015 in adult survivor of child abuse, empowerment, healing, self-healing, strength, truth | 0 comments

**Possible trigger warning, child sexual abuse memory recall and current healing**

Last night, I remembered.  The memories came flooding back to my mind, as if I was watching a movie.  The little girl was separate, but she wasn’t.  She was me.  I was only three years old.  As I type this, the deep sadness and grief touches my heart, and my eyes again.  Yet, simultaneously, inner strength is resonating from my core.

As I type this entry, I am plugged in to a relaxation meditation track that is using biofeedback with alpha sound waves.  It is what I have to do, to share this part of my story, and be emotionally centered in the fact that I’m safe now.  I’m not in that room.  I’m sitting in my kitchen, as my loving husband and my amazing little boy are actively designing magical worlds in Minecraft.  I feel the dark shadow hand on my shoulder, but I know it’s just a shadow of a memory.  It’s not real.  I know that, but the little girl inside who knew that hand to be real, feels the weight of fear that it represents.  I fought it for years.  I kept these memories in the tightest Pandora soul box I could create. Nothing could permeate it, nor open the lid.   I never let my inner little girl share her experience.  I thought it was better that way.  It was safe.  Why would I need to remember something so horrible.  What benefit could it really bring, other than unnecessary pain?

The fear is real time.  The feelings are real time.  Helplessness, unable to make it stop, screaming but being unable to produce enough sound, putting the pieces together of why certain triggers and patterns exist in my present.  The olfactory recall of whiskey and rum overpowering my nose and eyes.  The auditory recall of the words said to frighten me into acceptance.  The visual recall.  It was all real, but it’s not right now.

I shared my reminiscence with my husband, while the movie was playing.  I retold the experience in way where he could understand and see it with his mind’s eye.  It was very much like being in two places at once.  The tears came, as they should, because my soul was finally getting the release from the pain it’s been carrying all these years.  I allowed the tears, the fear, the fight, the pain, the confusion.  With all of these, I wrapped up my soul in a warm blanket of current understanding, love, compassion, and strength.  I held on tight, and hugged that little girl as she was able to finally tell her story.

We all need to be able to tell our story.  It makes it real, it allows us to accept true healing, gain powerful inner strength, letting the voice of the child be heard by the adult who is the only one that can truly love her/him.   There is a energetic release, almost as if we are closing the book.  We know that it’s real, we know that it happened, but it no longer has power over us.  

My husband sat in complete silence, as he listened.  I could almost hear his thoughts, all of which were justified.  “What can I even say?”, “Saying I’m sorry would be so pointless right now.”  Trying desperately to understand the pain being presented, having never experienced it himself.  Holding my hand tightly, to anchor me in the here and now.  Emotional catches in his throat, as he felt the ebbs and waves of deep soul wounds being released and emptied.

There was nothing he could say, and I love him even more for it.  He gave me exactly what I needed.

After I was done recalling and sharing, there was a long silence.  I quietly reassured my husband that I was okay, that it was all right for him to be without words.  What he did choose to say was infinitely powerful.

He said, “Tomorrow, you will realize that this was a big step for you.  You will feel better, because you shared this.”

He was right.  At this moment, it is time to share this with anyone else that needs to read it.  I know that this will cross your path when it’s most needed, when you are ready for it.  I hope you can feel the warm blanket of strength that I’m giving to you.  Comfort the little one who is afraid, love the child unconditionally, be there when no one else could be.

Healing is a journey, and it may not always be an easy one, but it is a worthwhile trip for us. I will continue to seek out the better, the peace, the love, the awareness, and the compassion. I will keep working to become the Warrior for others that have suffered, the voice, and the guide to living a better life, a good life, a life that is full of joy, true soul happiness, forgiveness for a past that they had no control over, and the strength and conviction for a future that they have EVERY control over. If not me, then who.

“I am only one, but I am one.” – Helen Keller

Blessings to you,
Heather Durling, The Phoenix Gathering
“One Starfish At A Time.”

copyright 2015 The Phoenix Gathering.  All rights reserved.

 

 

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