When the moon weighs heavy.

Posted by on Nov 4, 2014 in adult survivor of child abuse, healing, self-healing | 0 comments

It always seems to be that the night hours weigh the heaviest when I’m low.  When my heart is hurting for whatever reason, it exponentially amplifies with the rise of the moon.

For me, it’s when I am laying in bed.  My mind is racing, my spirit is full of unrest, and I know my family is in slumber.  I listen to the sounds of my husband sleeping next to me, and I stare at my phone, playing whatever random game, in a poor attempt to distract myself.  The sounds of the house settling, the pipes making noise from the furnace, the night sounds from outside.  The sound of my own breathing, my dog swallowing for the 49th time in the last two hours.  All of this goes on, and I begin the wicked down spiral of feeling alone.

How is it possible to feel alone, when my husband is laying next to me, my dog is busy sleep-swallowing, and my children are asleep in their beds?  Sure, there are those times where my patterns cause it.  I’ve snapped at one of my children due to an outside, unrelated incident that impacted my ability to be calm.  I pull back from people I love.  I withdraw because it’s easier to wallow in my own self-pity.  My mom calls her moments like this “pity parties”, and I think she’s spot on.

It’s when I feel disconnected.

Due to my own abusive childhood, it’s almost natural for me to fall in to these patterns.  Disconnecting from what brings me joy, and those that I love dearly. My inner happiness is deeply rooted to being connected in my spiritual path, my physical well-being, and my relationships with the people I love and care for.  There are days where things are off.  When I am short because I allowed negative energy or thoughts to rule.  I forget to do my self-care for the day to keep my energy balanced.  This results in nights where I sit in bed, heavy in heart and spirit, immersed in the disconnect.

I used to remain this way, with no means of resolution, or soothing of the soul.  I didn’t have the tools to shut off the emotional garbage that isn’t truly serving me.  Now, instead of falling down the all-too familiar rabbit hole, I can step back, and see things for what they really are. I can also share the experiences with other people, so they realize they aren’t alone in this scenario.

I ‘m also kind to myself.  While on my personal healing journey, I recognize that I will have these moments where I am treading a darker place than I usually walk.  I have learned to shut down those ugly, nasty scripts that like to kick in during these times.  The ones telling me that “things are always like this“, or “no one cares about me, or my feelings and thoughts“, or the one I especially dislike, “I deserve this.”  All of which are completely false.

The way to recognize the emotional garbage from the truth is to look at how it makes you feel.  Truth is light, freeing, and peaceful feeling.  The garbage weighs heavy, feels bad, and strikes low. 

In order to stop those nights from occurring anymore, I try to remain diligent in my self-care.  When I do this, my heart and spirit are in alignment, my inner cup is over-flowing with positive energy, and I’m able to find my gratitude.  Not surprisingly, finding gratitude is one of the hardest things to do when you’re low.   It can be almost impossible for us to be thankful, when all we are able to feel, and see, is negative.

My self-care consists of:  15-20 minutes of daily meditation; a powerful duo of thought field therapy techniques – Collarbone Breathing and Psychological Reversal (PR) Triangle, done once or twice daily; 20-30 minutes soaking in our hot tub; a good cup of french pressed coffee or hot tea; and finally, writing my experiences/inspirations/thoughts down on paper.  There is true self-healing in having a pen in hand, and physically writing on paper.

Now, I’m sharing these writings with the world, instead of my journals.  It’s both terrifyingly exposing, and energetically releasing.  I can only hope that these writings reach the people who need it most.  If you are one of them, I’m sending you so much strength, and perseverance right now.   You are not alone.  Let’s keep doing this journey of healing together, and take it one step at a time.

Blessings to you,
Heather Durling, The Phoenix Gathering
“One Starfish at a Time.”

 

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