My Steps to Healing – Step 2 – Getting the right answers

Posted by on Oct 23, 2014 in adult survivor of child abuse, childhood trauma, healing, Resources, self-care, self-healing | 0 comments


In my first post, Step 1 – Asking the Right Questions, I discussed the different layers of healing that can potentially occur when we begin our healing journey from an abusive childhood.  The process can closely resemble peeling back the layers of an onion. Some of the layers will bring tears to the eyes but can be healed quickly, while some layers are more intense.  I also discussed a powerful first step to healing the really big and nasty layers, which is asking the right questions.  The next step that I’ll be discussing here is “Getting the Right Answers”.

In my own personal issue, which was my fear of men, I completed the first step, resulting in the following questions:

1.  Why do men scare me?
2.  Why do men intimidate me?
3.  Why can’t I communicate the way I want to?
3.  What are the base emotions that I’m feeling when this happens?

The next step is to get the right answers:  Is this answer true or false?

  • Write down all the answers that come to mind for each of your questions.  Don’t hold anything back.  Nothing is too big, or too small, nor insignificant.  Everything matters.
  • Once you write down all of your answers, the next step is to ask yourself:  “Is this true?”
  • If you get a “Yes” answer, then keep that answer.
  • If you get a “No” answer, then write down three reasons why it’s NOT TRUE. 


Doing this will prove to your conscious and unconscious mind that this isn’t a true statement. You will then be able to free yourself from that “negative script” that’s been cluttering up your life. When I did Step 2 myself, I came to the conclusion that it was because I had been made powerless and silent by a man when I was sexually abused at the age of 2 1/2 – 3 years old.

During development, there is a time when toddlers are learning that they have a voice, and they have the ability to strongly state, “No!”. This generally occurs from 2-3 years of age, which is also commonly called the “terrible two’s” period.  This aspect of verbalizing their own independence to their surroundings is one of the major reasons why it received such a descriptive title. These little people are realizing that they have control over their environment, from eating their spaghetti to not wanting to wear their footie jammies because they have trains on them.  When that power is positively encouraged, and necessary lessons of right vs. wrong are taught, the little people thrive and grow to be the confident big people of our society.

When this voice is silenced; when a child is taught that their “No!” does not matter, in such a way where they have control taken from them over what happens to their own little body; they are taught they have absolutely no control over their own surrounding environment – the little person is then ultimately taught they have no voice, no control over their life, or their own body.



This may result in an adult who has little to no self-esteem.  It may also result in an adult who will do one of two things:
a) feel completely powerless in their own life, allowing themselves to be led by others.
b) become obsessive about controlling every aspect of their life that they can, and will, control.

It can also potentially result in an adult who feels they have no voice, no ability to speak what their thoughts and feelings are.  Quite possibly, they may feel that their words aren’t important, or valid, in any situation so they choose to remain silent and keep everything locked inside.

In knowing all of this, and because I’ve done almost all of these things, I asked my own “Why” questions. I was able to get my answers fairly quickly:

1) Men scare me at a base, survivalist level because I was hurt by one in the most detrimental way.
2) Men intimidate me.  I lose my ability to be eloquent, deep, and thoughtful in my communication – because my voice was silenced when it mattered most.
3) Men make me feel flustered.  I felt ashamed and lower about myself because once again…I didn’t make any sense, or I was extremely awkward, or I literally tripped over my words, unable to think straight.

Getting the right answers to your “Why” questions can be both enlightening, and freeing.  You may find that there is a lot of “baggage” that you’ve been carrying around, full of negative scripts that aren’t true, or real.  Not all baggage is in the form of physical experiences.  Some negative scripts may be things that were said to us when we were little, taken at face value because our little minds didn’t have our BS detectors fully functional yet.  They could also be observations we made, watching our parents, and anyone else that was dominant in our lives while growing up.  For an example, I realized that I had a strong negative script put into place from my mother of “All men are bad, and they will only hurt you”. Once I was able to prove it false with three truths in place of it, I was then able to release that false statement completely.

The final step to healing the big and nasty layers is Step 3 – Healing the roots, and I will cover this next week.  Until then, remember:  Be kind to yourself, know that you aren’t alone on this healing journey and that you CAN heal.

Blessings to you,
Heather Durling, The Phoenix Gathering
“One Starfish at a Time”

copyright 2014 The Phoenix Gathering.  All rights reserved.

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